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NaPoWriMo 10

April 11, 2012

link to NaPoWriMoPoem:  There is an ongoing battle in my head between the truth of the statement ‘I can write whatever I like’ and the consequence of that statement.  This is particularly the case when the results are made available to a global audience, potentially.  I’m aware that the number of people of actually care probably lie in the 10’s whilst the potential audience is in the billions.  This only has relevance when I write something which I feel uncertain about.  If I feel uncertain it’s because the work isn’t carefully crafted and excuses made for it beforehand.  This poem is a more experimental and possibly emotionally honest.  As always, I will see what feedback I get.

3 a.m messy night thoughts

It doesn’t take alcohol or drugs to wonder
is my anger contagious
how long does it take to say
no, that’s enough
I’ve had it now

How long does it take?
Longer than a sea to boil?
longer than my lifetime
to say enough

maybe the trigger
will be a silence that lasts
for too long on one car journey
maybe it’s being evicted from a seat
maybe it’s one look where disapproval
is perceived
maybe it’s too many raised
hands and words

but sometimes there is
too much momentum to stop
the thing that says
I’m sorry,
you’re right
if they have not said so,
acted so
early enough
it is too late to go
back to the status quo
that there is
too much weight behind the body
to stop the worm from turning

But until that point
the unbearable weight continues
to be bourne
and the silence weighs heavily
and the thoughts crowd in
and there have been many
mornings that have started
with a startled gasp
with anxiety the propelling
force that drives the twitching day

Lie restless, lie sleepless
have I the gumption
have I the ability
have I the desire
what is it that ails me
who am I kidding
what am I thinking
where am I going
why can’t I trust
myself
What will the result be
is it all impossibility
what is it that hampers me
why can’t I be drug free
must I question endlessley
why can’t I sleep?

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